Why Vulnerability is the Secret Ingredient for the Best Life and Relationships

BAM!

When I heard Brené Brown recite Roosevelt’s quote in her new Netflix special, “The Call to Courage”, I was struck. I’d never heard courage so beautifully described.

Vulnerability and the Work of Brené Brown

If you aren’t familiar with Brené Brown, she’s a researcher who studies courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy.

She’s incredibly smart, funny, and explains her research in an easily digestible way. If you haven’t yet, I’d highly recommend checking out her Netflix special.

In “The Call to Courage”, she talks about how we cannot be courageous without being vulnerable.

It sounds kind of weird, right?

Growing up (at least in my own experience) vulnerability seemed like something reserved for people who are weak and can’t control their emotions.

And we usually think of courageous people as those who are brave and tough and strong. Not weak. Not vulnerable.

Well, friends. That’s just not so. Courageous people are the most vulnerable humans. Why? Because they’re willing to take chances without knowing for certain if they’ll succeed or fail. They put themselves out there despite being afraid. Despite risking judgment.

Vulnerability, as defined by Brené is “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.”

Consider these two (made up) examples of vulnerability:

Tim is an American soldier who served overseas in Iraq. He’s courageous. And he’s vulnerable. Vulnerable because he was willing to risk his life to defend our country. He stepped into the unknown without being promised a certain outcome. Tim had to be vulnerable to put his trust into his fellow soldiers.

Sarah quit her 9-5 job to start her own floral business. She faced judgment from her family for quitting her safe job. Her former coworkers snickered behind her back. By starting her own business, she’s stepping into the unknown. She doesn’t know for sure what the outcome will be but she’s trying anyway. She’s putting a stake into the ground and declaring to the world that floral design is her passion and she’s going to try her go at it.

Uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.

Vulnerability = Strength

Being vulnerable doesn’t mean oversharing on Facebook to get sympathy. It doesn’t mean inappropriately divulging your life story to someone you’ve just met. Vulnerability has boundaries.

You don’t measure vulnerability by the amount of disclosure. You measure it by the amount of courage to show up and be seen when you can’t control the outcome.

Brené Brown

I’ve always been fairly open to being emotionally vulnerable. Like, if I’m upset about something, I’ll tell you.

I’m a communicator and I have a seriously hard time acting fake. If I’m unhappy about something, muscling through it, putting on a smile, and holding back my feelings just ain’t gon’ work.

It’s been a blessing and a curse to wear my heart on my sleeve, but you’ll always know how I feel.

Understanding that type of vulnerability is a strength? Pfft!

We’re often taught to hide our emotions. Showing them is weak; it’s embarrassing. I was never proud of my emotional nature. And sharing my emotions certainly wasn’t something I did as an act of valor, I just couldn’t ever not share.

Just because I’m willing to be vulnerable with my emotions doesn’t mean it comes naturally in other areas. I mean, I don’t think vulnerability would be vulnerability, if it just felt comfortable and easy.

Being vulnerable also means:

• Sharing a new idea at work
• Falling in love after being hurt in the past
• Quitting a job that no longer serves you
• Having a difficult conversation with someone
• Creating art and sharing it with the world
• Allowing yourself to feel joy instead of waiting for something bad to happen.
  • Yep, this is vulnerability. Think about it! It’s vulnerable to let ourselves just be open to happiness. We’re conditioned to worry about what could happen so we keep our guard up. I’m so guilty of this. “Life is so good right now. Something bad has to be coming. How can life possibly stay good? There’s no way!” The way to combat this is with gratitude. Just let yourself be thankful for the joyful experiences and don’t question them.

I’ve talked about this before but I felt like I was 100% exposed when I started blogging. My deepest thoughts and feelings were now out in the world for anyone and everyone to read. I felt like I risked annoying people with my positivity; I risked judgment. Then, I had this groundbreaking thought: WHO CARES?

People who are doing things that scare them, too, will never judge you. The only people who judge are the ones on the sidelines, too afraid to go after it themselves.

It’s like that quote I shared at the beginning of this post, “…if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

I’d rather try, be a little uncomfortable, risk some judgment, and know I was true to myself.

Vulnerability in Relationships

A few months back, I had a bit of a falling out with one of my closest girlfriends. It was nothing huge or major, just a miscommunication that snowballed.

Suddenly, we weren’t talking anymore. Suddenly, I was nervous about running into her, not knowing what to say if we did. Suddenly, I scrolled by her posts on Instagram, wanting to like them and be happy for her, but things felt so awkward.

It was silly, but I started to accept that maybe this is how things were going to be for us.

Until one day, months later, I got a text message from her out of the blue. It was long. It was open and completely vulnerable. She shared how that falling out felt for her at the time, what she’d been going through, and how much our friendship meant to her. She hoped we could reconnect and mend our friendship.

At that moment, a weight lifted off me that had been weighing me down for months. Her vulnerability opened up the doors of communication. I shared my feelings. I was just so relieved we could start making plans again and sharing the exciting happenings of our lives.

This wouldn’t have happened if she hadn’t had the courage to be vulnerable. I’m sure it was uncomfortable for her to open up her phone and write that out, not knowing what my response would be. I admired her courage. It would’ve been easier to let our friendship fizzle out, but she did something uncomfortable and reached out.

As fate would have it, without us planning, I saw her at yoga the next day and sat down next to her. We practiced together for the first time in months and gave each other a big hug afterwards. We caught up on life, grinning from ear to ear. I know we were both relieved the storm had passed and we could just be normal again.

A couple weekends ago, she came to the Boyer Invitational despite her busy schedule. We got to reconnect and have a blast together just like old times.

All of this happened because of her willingness to be vulnerable.

When we’re vulnerable with the people we care about, it opens the lines of communication. It gives each person permission to share their feelings. Most importantly, it allows for a deeper level of connection.

Relationships that are worth it aren’t always going to be easy. They take effort, communication, and sometimes scary vulnerability.

But, if we want to be close with someone and foster those relationships, vulnerability is a must.

Think about the vulnerability it takes to be in a romantic relationship.

• The first time you say “I love you”, takes vulnerability.
• When your partner says something that hurts your feelings and you’re embarrassed to tell them so – vulnerability.
• It takes vulnerability when you first talk about moving in together, about your hopes for the future, when you tell them your new idea you’re so excited about.

We miss out on so much meaning in life when we aren’t willing to be open and share in this beautiful way. The scariest, most uncomfortable things are often the most rewarding. That’s why to be vulnerable is to be courageous. For the greatest pay off, we often have to wade through the deepest mud.

If you’re still not feeling fired up on vulnerability, let me leave you with this last quote.

I want to be in the arena. I want to be brave with my life. And when we make the choice to dare greatly, we sign up to get our asses kicked. We can choose courage or we can choose comfort, but we can’t have both. Not at the same time.

Brené Brown

Where can you be more vulnerable in your own life?

With love,

Alissa