Why Are We So Afraid Of The Unknown?

I got irritated the day we secured our wedding venue because Matt wanted to read through the cancellation policy before we signed. “Why would we need to worry about that?” I’d snapped at him. He’s a lawyer. I’m an optimist.

Fast forward 6 months and well-meaning people ask me weekly, ‘So, what are you thinking about your wedding? Are you feeling worried? Do you think you’ll postpone?’ You know, because we’re in a global pandemic and all. I feel their genuine concern. I know they’re probably thinking about what they’d do if they were in my shoes. I can tell they’re trying to tread lightly so as not to upset the future bride.

I’m not upset, though. Which is kind of… weird. I’m not stressed. I’m not anything. I’m barely thinking about it. I mean, am I sad this is something that needs to be considered? Yes, of course, I want my dream wedding. But, I also believe everything happens the way it’s meant to. And I know there are solutions to every problem.

So, in response to their questions I usually just say with a shrug, “Yeah, I don’t know! We’ll figure it out as it gets closer.”

My nonchalant answer may freak some people out. But like, how can you not have a plan? Truthfully, I don’t think about it much because I don’t know. And trying to know the unknown gives me a headache. Come October, if we have to pivot, we have to pivot. But if this pandemic has solidified anything, it’s that we can plan to our heart’s desire but the Universe is going to do what the Universe is going to do.

That’s hard for us. As humans, we crave certainty. We want to book our plane tickets, know our five-year-plan, and have a map laid out for exactly how we’ll climb the corporate ladder. Certainty feels good, but it’s never promised.

Bend so you don’t break.

To me, one of the laws of nature is this: We can know with absolute certainty that everything is uncertain.

It’s funny because, in my daily life, I’m not much of a planner. But in my full-time job, I’m a footwear retail planner for Vans. I spend the majority of my days scouring data. I look at current and historical trends so I can forecast how many pairs of shoes I think we’ll sell in the future. Sometimes I’m right, oftentimes I’m wrong. Even with all of the planning, research, and strategy, nothing is guaranteed.

In 2016, a video of a kid wearing a pair of white slip-on Vans went viral. “Damn Daniel, back at it again with the white Vans!” was suddenly everyone’s favorite phrase. Sales of the white slip-on skyrocketed. Could Vans have predicted that? I think not!

Magical opportunities lie in the unknown. Dreams greater than we could’ve ever imagined lie in the unknown. But, sometimes the most amazing meant-to-be shifts in our life hurt at first. My chronic stomach issues were unexpected, painful, and depressing… for years. They’re also the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Even in the most challenging times, there’s opportunity woven into the seams.

“You know, it’s like that saying… bend so you don’t break,” I’d messaged my friend the other day at work. I was telling her about an unexpected situation I’ve been dealing with. It’s something I could’ve never predicted or planned for, yet here it was. Instead of getting angry that it sucks or that it wasn’t part of the plan, I’ve chosen to accept it. I’m adapting, rolling with the punches, and becoming a more resilient person as a result.

Rigidity breaks in uncertainty. Flexibility floats through uncertainty. Rigidity sees problems. Flexibility sees opportunities.

Uncertainty is an open, whirling, abyss. It cannot be controlled, wrangled, or slapped into a neatly organized planner. It begs to be free. So, I choose to ride the waves of uncertainty by moving with the current instead of swimming against it.

What are we so afraid of anyway?

“We think we’re afraid of the unknown, but what we’re really afraid of are the negative stories we’re projecting onto the future,” Sharon Salzberg said on the mindbodygreen podcast. Sharon is a world-renown meditation teacher and co-founder of the Insight Meditation Center. When she talks, I listen.

When we think about uncertainty, we typically go straight into creating stories of worst-case scenarios. As human beings, we’re hardwired to protect ourselves, so this is normal. But, Sharon said when she finds herself in that fear spiral, she simply reminds herself that she doesn’t know. That’s it! “I don’t know. There’s no way I can know.” There’s actually a spaciousness in the not knowing. We don’t know, we can’t plan for it, all we can do is simply let it be.

I’m relatively “comfortable” with uncertainty but I still experience anxiety about the future sometimes. The other night, I woke up at 1 a.m. with a pounding heart and a clouded mind. All I could think of were worst-case scenarios. My heart beat faster and my stomach churned. At that moment I was certain that doom and gloom were the only options for my future. Then, I remembered what Sharon said.

‘You don’t know,’ I said to myself. I pictured white openness. I pictured how I was just here, right now, laying in bed. Nothing else has happened yet. Those fears haven’t happened. There’s absolutely no way for me to know if they will. Why put myself through it before it’s happened? I repeated, ‘You don’t know. You don’t know.’ I began to relax. I fell asleep shortly after.

When we actually understand that we can’t predict the future, we have no choice but to relax into the present. We see what’s in front of us and we know the rest is, honestly, somewhat of a question mark. I know that can feel scary, but what if you reframed it? What if you saw it as expansive, instead?

The opportunities are endless, the next steps aren’t yet known. Relax into the present and trust the future is taken care of.

With love,

Alissa