Why Are We So Afraid Of Being Judged By Other People?

“Ugh, there’s Katie again bragging about how perfect her life is,” we vent to our friends.

We scoff at that girl who posts another photo in a bikini. “Seriously, who does she think she is?”

We silently judge people for using poor grammar. How do they not know the correct “you’re” to use?! (I’m a grammar freak. Guilty as charged!)

Social media gives us a front-row seat to the lives of other people, and let’s be honest, we’re here for it.

Scroll. Judge. Compare. Repeat.

We don’t put ourselves out there because we’re afraid of being judged.

Last week, I created a poll asking people the one thing that was holding them back the most in their lives. I got a variety of answers: fear of failure, self-doubt, lack of finances. But one of the most common answers I received was the fear of being judged by others.

I thought about that for a while. Why are we so afraid of other people judging us? Like, why is that so paralyzing for us?

Our fear of judgment stops us from sharing our wins on social media, for fear of people thinking that we’re bragging.

Our fear of judgment stops us from pursuing our dreams, for fear of people judging us for putting ourselves out there. The idea of potentially failing in front of others is petrifying.

Our fear of judgment stops us from saying the thing we really want to say, for fear of someone disliking it or disagreeing with us.

In any of these scenarios, what’s the worst thing that could possibly happen? Well, someone could confront us. Someone could talk behind our backs. Someone could try to shame us into stopping what we’re doing. Someone could stop being friends with us. We could fail in front of everyone we know and feel embarrassed.

Any time we put ourselves out there, there is a risk involved. But, I’m going to go out on a limb and say, most likely, you’re a good human being with good intentions. In any of these scenarios, you’re most likely not going to be in danger of any real harm. Harm to your ego? Sure. Harm to your self-esteem? Probably. Opportunity for you to grow as a human being? Absolutely.

If you do get the dreaded judgment from others (hint: it’s inevitable), yes, it may be uncomfortable for you. Another hint? Most of the best things in life are on the other side of uncomfortable. Sure, you might not keep all of the same people in your life (sometimes that’s a good thing). And then what happens? Well, you can either dust off and keep doing your thing. Or, you can let yourself be held back by what others may think.

While I hope you choose the bold choice of continuing forward and listening to your heart, the choice is ultimately, and always, yours. That’s it! Choose to be held back or choose to be brave.

We’re afraid of being judged because we judge everyone else.

The next question that begs to be answered is: why do we assume everyone is going to judge us? I mean, seriously. People are so wrapped up in their own melodramas; their insecurities, marital issues, family quarrels. Why the heck do we think they have time to be judging us?

Because we’re judging them. And we’re judging others because we’re judging ourselves.

That’s a lot of judgment, right? But, hear me out.

We’re holding ourselves back, trying to avoid being judged, because we’re judging the people who are putting themselves out there. We’re judging the people “bragging”, “showing off”, and saying something “stupid” because it’s triggering something inside of us.

Let me tell you a personal story.

I judged her because I was jealous.

A few months ago, I started following this girl on Instagram because I admired her. I thought her feed was perfect. I thought she was beautiful. She was doing exactly what I want to do in the world.

Over time, her “perfection” made me uncomfortable. So much so, that I started, unconsciously, judging her. I started trying to find anything wrong with her that I could because it made me feel better about myself.

She isn’t that perfect, right?

Oh, I would never say that.

Gosh, she thinks she is all that!

I compared myself to her and instead of admitting that I was jealous, I felt more comfortable judging her. None of us want to feel “less than”, right? So, we judge other people because it makes us feel superior. We’d rather feel superior and judgmental than endure the uncomfortable feeling of jealousy. If we admitted we were jealous, then we’d need to look in the mirror, ya feel me?

When we judge other people, it’s highlighting something within ourselves. I’m not saying that you’re jealous of every person that you judge. But you’re judging them because something about them is triggering something inside of you.

I was judging this girl because she seemed so confident. And she was so skilled in taking photos. She seemed to have it all together. Everything about her highlighted the areas of myself where I felt a little insecure.

Sometimes we judge people because they remind us of a past version of ourselves. Sometimes we judge people because they remind us of someone else who’d hurt us. There’s always a reason that we judge and the reason always comes back to us. Yup, you heard me. It’s not their problem. It’s ours.

If we want to stop holding ourselves back, we have to stop the judgment spiral.

The moral of the story? Judge less. Judge others less. Judge yourself less. When you’re less judgmental, you’ll take more action. You’ll be less afraid of showing up messy, making mistakes, and looking silly. Will people judge you? Sure. Do you have to care? Nope.

I could go on and on about this topic. There’s nothing that pains me more than seeing people hold themselves back because of the potential judgment of others.

We have one life to live! One. Do we want to look back and see all the ways we didn’t try because we were scared of what other people might think? I sure don’t.

Theodore Roosevelt says it best:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.“

Theodore Roosevelt

Are you ready to get into the arena?

With love,

Alissa