What To Do When You Can’t Stop Overthinking

I used to be a frequent rider on the merry-go-round of ruminating thoughts.

I don’t need a fast pass to any of those fancy rides, I’ll be on this here merry-go-round all day!

It’s an unassuming ride. At first it seems harmless, tame. But as you continue to spin ’round and ’round and ’round, your head begins to hurt and your stomach starts feeling sick.

Suddenly this merry-go-round is maddening. You’re losing your sanity and the only way off is a tuck and roll. You hit the ground breathing hard, looking back at that merry-go-round spinning maniacally behind you.

Well, I’ll probably be back again tomorrow.

Ruminating thoughts used to run my life. I rode this maddening merry-go-round almost daily. To worry, was my comfort zone. If things were going well, what’s one thing I can find to worry about?

Rumination refers to the tendency to repetitively think about the causes, situational factors, and consequences of one’s negative emotional experience (Nolen-Hoeksema, 1991). Basically, rumination means that you continuously think about the various aspects of situations that are upsetting. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/overcoming-self-sabotage/201002/rumination-problem-solving-gone-wrong

Does this sound like you? Do you drive yourself crazy thinking through the same scenarios over and over again? Are there times when you wonder if you can ever actually just be happy?

We Think We’re Getting Somewhere With Our Worries

Once upon a time, I used to call my mom almost daily with my worry of the moment. Sometimes I’d be practically hyperventilating, talking so fast because I was certain the world as I knew it was over.

Some days my worry was that a friend being short with me and I was afraid she didn’t like me anymore. I’d create an entire narrative in my head that we wouldn’t be friends anymore and I’d be left out of group activities from here on out.

Other days my worry was that I wasn’t getting scheduled enough hours at the pizza shop. Suddenly, I was going to be broke and not able to buy new clothes or do anything fun with my friends ever again.

I’ve always had an active imagination. I can also be quite dramatic, so, I’m fully aware that I was blessed to have these worries. The fact that these were my “problems” is almost laughable.

Nonetheless, to a person who can’t stop ruminating, the fear is real. You’re a prisoner in your own mind as you throw your worries against the walls of your brain over and over, again and again.

I remember going to social events with my friends and being so in my head the entire time that I didn’t enjoy a minute of it. Sometimes these were parties I’d looked forward to all month! But, once the time came, I couldn’t stop stressing over if I looked pretty enough or if my boyfriend was paying enough attention to me.

I’d get home those nights feeling disgusted with myself. Alissa, you literally didn’t enjoy one second of that. Everyone else had so much fun. What is wrong with you?

Riding the maddening merry-go-round every day was causing me to lose faith in myself. Certainly I wasn’t placed on this earth to worry all the time, right?

I eventually reached a breaking point. I didn’t want to live in this unhappy mind of mine anymore. So, I began devouring self-help books. I created a meditation practice. Without initially intending to, I embarked upon a journey of self-discovery that has changed the way I interact with myself and the world.

Throughout this journey, I’ve consumed many tips about how we can separate from our thoughts and stop ruminating. These are some of my favorites.

• You are not your thoughts. Your thoughts are not you. You are creating the thoughts in your mind. And because you have the ability to create these worrisome, fearful thoughts, you also have the ability to create positive, uplifting thoughts.
• “When you’re replaying something in your head for the 19th time, ask yourself, is this useful?” – Dan Harris. I love this piece of advice. Dan Harris, news anchor, meditation expert, and founder of 10% Happier recounted this quote from his meditation teacher and it’s helped me ever since. Sure, it’s useful to think through possible scenarios so you have a game plan, but then, leave it there. Once you’re thinking about it for the 19th time, you’re not being productive anymore. You’re obsessing over it.
• You can’t control the situation, you can only control your reaction to it. We often blame people or circumstances for upsetting us and “ruining our day”. Actually, no one and nothing has the power to ruin our day because we are viewing life from our own lens. We have the power to choose if something is going to upset us or if we’re going to let it roll off our back.
• “Worry is a prayer to chaos.” – Gabby Bernstein When you’re constantly worrying and thinking about what could go wrong, it’s all you’re focused on. As a result, you’re actually drawing more of that into your life because what you focus on is what grows. When you instead focus on what’s working well in your life, you’ll begin to notice more of that.
• Tell yourself a new story. Similar to the first point, you create your thoughts. As humans, we’re designed to look for danger and threat. However, we’re also designed to dream and have the capacity to feel good. Change your fearful, negative story into something that feels better.

How to Tell Yourself a New Story

It dawned on me the other day that I haven’t been caught in an anxious loop in quite some time. A friend was sharing her worries with me, and while I totally resonated with her, I also felt distant from it. Like, those sorts of ruminating thoughts used to be daily for me. When did that change? I thought to myself.

Of course, anxieties and worries pop up here and there, but I’m able to tuck and roll off that merry-go-round much quicker. It’s become rare for me to sit and obsess over a scenario because I’ve come to trust that things always work out.

But, it’s a process that involves taking a step back and having awareness. Let me give you an example.

The other day, I started to worry about a reimbursement I was expecting on my credit card. It had been almost three weeks and I still hadn’t gotten the payment back.

Old, familiar obsessive thoughts began to cloud my brain.

What if it doesn’t get reimbursed? Ugh, this is going to be such a hassle. Now I’m going to probably have to call them and sit on hold for an hour. I don’t have time for this! The fearful part of myself thought.

My stomach tightened and my body felt hot with frustration.

Then, another thought popped into my head. Take a deep breath, Alissa. You know how this works. Just envision this scenario working out. It’s all going to be okay, I’ve got you. This was the calming voice inside of me talking. The one that’s slowly begun to shut out that fearful voice I’d listened to for most of my life.

I took a deep breath. That’s right, this is the perfect time to rewrite the story I’m telling myself. Why does it have to be negative? This scenario could just as easily work out perfectly fine. In the meantime, I’ll feel happier if I just assume it’s going to work out.

So, I told myself I would reach out next week if I still hadn’t received the reimbursement, but for now, I was going to trust it’ll work out. I let it go and didn’t think about it for the rest of the day.

The very next day I received an email. “Your reimbursement has been processed!”

I smiled to myself and said, thank you, Universe.

When I used to ruminate and worry all the time, it was because I assumed I had to figure it all out on my own. I thought I was being prepared and looking out for myself by thinking through every possible scenario.

I now understand that the support of The Universe is available to us always, but it’s up to us to have faith and trust that it’s there.

What does putting faith and trust into The Universe look like? It looks like taking a deep breath in those fearful moments. It’s listening for the quiet, calm voice in your mind. It’s choosing to rewrite the story instead of staying on the merry-go-round.

Ask yourself. What thought would feel good instead of this? How can I tell myself a better story? What other scenarios have worked out for me in the past? Why wouldn’t this scenario work out, too?

No amount of worry, rumination, or stress is going to change the outcome of a situation. With that in mind, why not tell yourself a story that feels good? When you feel good, things tend to work out better for you. When you feel happy, grateful, and filled with ease, you naturally attract good things.

With love,

Alissa