No One Sits Alone at The Bliss Project: My Transformative Weekend at a Women’s Retreat

It’s hard to know where to begin. I attended my first women’s retreat this past weekend and I’m feeling completely opened and changed by the experience.

When it comes to being a woman, I’ve always taken pride in being the type of girl who could “hang with the guys”. I’ve logged hundreds of hours hanging out, drinking beers, watching sports with boyfriends and their friends, instead of “taking forever to get ready” with the girls. I rolled my eyes at those girls who always needed to go to the bathroom in packs. Girls screeching when they see each other makes my ears hurt. Don’t get me wrong, I have amazing close girlfriends in my life. I literally just wrote a post about some of them. But I’ve never classified myself as a “girl’s girl”. I don’t want to travel in a pack. I love my independence. I love shopping alone. I’m petrified of someone relying on me too much.

I’m not saying my perception of what it means to be a girl’s girl is “right”. This is just the lens through which I always viewed it.

With that as my mindset, you can imagine the fear that consumed me when I walked into The Bliss Project to Beyoncé blasting and girls screaming, hugging, and dancing together. I’m no fool, I knew this would be part of going to a women’s retreat. The point of The Bliss Project is to connect with women; to build a tribe of sisters. to empower one another. I wanted more of that in my life. And, like many of the women attending the event, I came alone. I’d actually made a point not to ask any of my girlfriends to come with me. I wanted to conquer this one alone. Except, once I was there I sure wished I had the safety of a best friend with me.

I had this vivid idea of what the weekend would be for me. I’d conquer The Bliss Project in perfect fashion; I’d be pumped up; I’d come home enlightened with a new group of sisters and feeling full of GIRL POWER. Most of this was achieved. I feel lit up, shifted, and empowered by it all. But it didn’t come in the way I expected. Like most people, I’m good at setting expectations for everything, so when it didn’t match the exact story I created in my head, I decided there was something wrong. Not with the event, but with me. I later found that what I got out of this weekend was everything I didn’t know I needed.

The Bliss Project is an amazing, magical, safe place for women created by Lori Harder. She’s the host of my favorite podcast, Earn Your Happy. Her down-to-earth, funny, REAL approach to self-development had me hooked immediately. I was drawn to the fact that she’s super feminine herself, but admits she used to struggle feeling comfortable with women. She’s also from the Midwest, which made me instantly like and relate to her.

On day one, I started settling into a seat alone for the first session of the day, until a girl called me over to sit with her. Sigh of relief! I learned then, no one sits alone at Bliss. My comfort zone is to be a lone wolf if I don’t know anyone. The whole, I don’t need anyone, attitude. But, here, I knew I needed to get out of that mindset in order to grow, so I was grateful she invited me over. On that first day, I met some really nice girls. They were as excited and nervous as I was. It was refreshing to be around others who felt the same way. The speakers were incredible and moving. The break out sessions encouraged us to be raw and deep with women we’d only just met. It was scary, difficult, and empowering. I was as honest as I possibly could be. I opened up. I smiled at everyone. I started conversations. But as I went back to my hotel room for the night, I felt good, but I felt like I wasn’t doing it right. I didn’t feel how I thought I’d feel. Some of the women around me were so FIRED UP! There was a lot of hugging, crying, new best friends, freeness. I wasn’t quite there. There must be something wrong with me.

On day two, I made it a point to sit next to a new woman. Maybe changing it up will give me what I’m looking for. The theme of Bliss this year was “permission” so we were all supposed to give ourselves permission to do something. I hadn’t done that quite yet. So, before the session began, I wrote on a bright pink notecard: “I give myself permission to be open to my power. I give myself permission to let go of my expectations and trust in myself and my own unique journey,” and set it next to the notecards hundreds of other women filled out.

As we started rolling through the morning, I noticed myself feeling more and more estranged from everyone. These speakers and artists were so moving and impactful; I felt tears getting trapped inside my throat but I was afraid to let them out. The women around me were openly crying and holding each other. Why don’t I have that? Do I actually want that? I kept holding it in as the lump in my throat grew. As lunchtime started to approach, I felt a growing sense of anxiety. Who am I going to sit with? I didn’t know where the girls were that I’d met yesterday, so I just kept envisioning myself sitting alone while everyone else seemed to have met new best friends. I am the ultimate failure of The Bliss Project.

Dra-MATIC. I should’ve remembered, no one sits alone at Bliss!

As the negative thoughts and worries whirled around in my head, my stomach tightened and the old, familiar feeling of massive self-judgment returned. I needed to solidify what I was doing for lunch or else I wouldn’t be able to focus. So, during a bathroom break, I ran into some other girls I’d met the day before and asked what they were doing for lunch and if I could eat with them. They were super nice and said “yes!” but I couldn’t help but feel like a fool afterwards for asking. I felt like I had forcefully inserted myself into their plans, when I’m sure they didn’t perceive it that way. I couldn’t shake it, though, I felt like a burden. It’s crazy the way we treat ourselves.

The Breakthrough

The last speaker before we broke for lunch was Jenna Phillips Ballard. I didn’t know it yet, but I was about to experience the breakthrough I was looking for. As I sat there in self-loathing, Jenna talked to us about self-love and about the terrible ways we speak to ourselves. As she had us close our eyes for meditation. Jenna told us to envision different scenarios and how we treat ourselves in them. I honestly can’t even remember a lot of what she said because this is when I broke down and started sobbing. I finally let out those teared I’d stuffed down and it wasn’t just a few, dainty drops. It was one of those sobs you literally cannot control; makeup ruined, nose running. Lucky for me, the room was dark, the music was loud and I’m pretty sure everyone was in tears.

It may sound silly that I freaked out over a lunch plan. But this experience was really a microcosm of real life. It was about more than what I was doing for lunch. It affected me so deeply because it hit a pain point I’ve had since middle school. This feeling of being a burden; not being cool enough; not fully fitting in. Nothing big had ever happened to me, but I experienced enough to where the hurtful things said about me in high school still rang in my head many years later. I thought I’d finally made peace with it this past year, but this made me realize how quickly I turn on myself and become my own biggest critic. When, honestly, I should’ve been proud of myself for even being there and giving it my best. I know the importance of self-love. I preach it! Yet here I was, talking to myself as if I was a disgrace.

So, here’s how the dreaded lunch ended up. Drum roll, please. FINE! It was seriously no big deal. I started walking alone and ran into my friends from day one who asked me to eat lunch with them. Again, I was saved by Emma who first invited me to sit with her when I was alone. I was so thankful.

Remember? No one sits alone at Bliss.

I felt like I was walking on air after that lunch, like I’d dropped 200 lbs off my body. I could’ve gone home at that moment feeling like I got out of Bliss what I needed. However, Lori still had a little more in store for us. We ended our day with three impactful exercises that took us on a rollercoaster of emotions in the best way possible. My favorite of which took place at the very end. All 500 of us were instructed to walk around the ballroom, hold another woman’s hands and tell her what we saw beautiful in her, then move onto the next woman and repeat. If this had been day one, I would’ve been petrified. End of day two? I was ready.

To each woman, I gave my most honest impression of what I found beautiful about them. You’d think this would be difficult considering I’d never spoken to most of them. But, as soon as I saw these women, eyes shining with hope to hear what makes them beautiful; I had no problem genuinely seeing the unique beauty in each of them. It may sound corny, but I’ve never experienced depth like that with most people, let alone a complete stranger. Depth like that can only be experienced from being completely open and vulnerable.

A highlight of my weekend came from one of the very last compliments I received. As I locked eyes with a girl I’d never met, she said, “I noticed you a few times throughout the weekend and I thought you were beautiful. You have such a brightness about you!” Here I’d been beating myself up all weekend, telling myself this whole story, while an outsider saw nothing but good in me. At that moment, I teared up and gave the girl a big hug. A huge transformation from lone wolf Alissa, just one day prior.

Only a few days have passed since this transformative weekend, and I know as time continues to pass, I’ll discover more ways The Bliss Project has shifted my life. But hot off the press, here’s what I know:

• Cultivating self-love and compassion is a process; a practice and a conscious decision. At least at first, until it becomes your new normal.
• If you push yourself to do everything perfectly, you’ll learn it’s a losing battle. Having expectations only breeds disappointment.
• Dance like no one is watching, damn it. I’ve never felt confident dancing, but I danced all weekend long and had a blast. You actually stick out more when you don’t let go and get involved.
• You’ve got to feel to heal. Anxiety teaches us that something is out of alignment in ourselves. Instead of rushing to mask it and try to feel better right away, let yourself feel the feelings and what your body is telling you.
• While stepping out of your comfort zone, comfort yourself along the way.
• There’s strength in opening up to people; those women who were crying on each other’s shoulders were strong for being able to lean on each other that way. I hope to be more like them one day, but for now, I’m working on loving me and honoring my own unique journey.

Have you ever been to a women’s retreat? What was your experience? I’d love to know!

With love,

Alissa